Baby Steps! A Year of 1sts

Updated: Jan 15

My Year of 1sts

Ironically my second Christmas after my mother passed away, my worldview died. I walked heartbroken but head held high away from my childhood faith. Thus, my second year of firsts began. This one, however, was more hilarious than sad, though not void of heart-ache (being 45 and trying things teenagers usually do is awkward to say the least).

The First R-rated Movie

First of all, I wish I could say my first R-rated show was after I left the church, but it wasn't. SHAME on ME! "Silver Bullet" was totally worth it, though. And, at 12 years-old, it rightfully haunted me for decades.

However, a friend of mine recounted her tale of going to her first ever R-rated show after 30ish.

My first R rated movie in a theater... Basically... I really had an intense internal battle about if Satan was going to get me. I processed through it, focusing on the fact that if there's something I don't want to see, I get to CHOOSE if it goes into me or not. And thus, it ended up being a really spiritual experience about taking my power back.

Buying New Underwear

Many of you might not know, but one of our sacred covenants as a temple worthy Mormon is to wear a sacred garment in place of regular underwear. For respect to those who hold this dear, nothing more will be said about the sacredness of it.

HOWEVER, they are hot, ride up your pants, and honestly were the first thing to go for my husband.

Being the prude I was, I struggled with PTSD for a year. I woke up every day and had to rework through what I had learned. I knew no knee-jerk changes were best. Eventually, however, I stepped away from the ledge of despair with peace of mind and confidence. It was time for a change.


I think my body temperature dropped five degrees, just in time for a partial hysterectomy, or so I thought. After my surgery, I don't think my body got the memo. I freeze now. I'm still waiting for this sudden tropical blanket of warmth to wrap around me. Still WAITING!


HOLY SMOKES! I was always guiding my teen sons away from these isles in Walmart and Khols. I had no idea there were sooooooo many choices and COLORS! I LOVE COLOR, so what did I buy? Grey, and black. LOL!

A friend of mine shared:

Buying underwear was overwhelming. Being told what undies to wear for so long with what, 5 choices of fabric? Then going to anything and everything (or nothing haha) for an option was crazy!

Wearing a Tank Top aka "Porn shoulders"

A different friend shared this:

I went to my first town lake concert in June. I wore typical non-Mormon jean-shorts and a flowing lemon print tank top that showed my beautiful shoulders. As I walked toward the event, I asked my "never-mo" friend If I looked appropriately dressed for a 36 yr-old mom of 7. If I was showing too much leg or shoulders.

She gave me some side-eye look and asked if that was a trick question!

I said, "Not at all."

She told me I was perfectly appropriate for being around kids or not. “Shoulders are not meant to be hidden on hot sunny days, hun! You aren’t even showing cleavage," she giggled.

I stopped asking people after that. I felt like "Kimmy Schmidt," who just got out of a 36-year long stint in the bunker.

Hey that's my name too! Watching that show helped me accept the harmful parts of my upbringing for what they were, if you catch my drift?

My first Public Family Porn Shoulder experience.

"Oh, the guilt!" Unfortunately, the first time I wore "porn shoulders" in public was at my nephew and his cousins' combined farewell party. My nephew chose not to serve a full-time LDS mission, but we celebrated both of them together, which I thought was AMAZING!


My nephew (sorry, I need to brag a second because he's so cool) searched his heart and prayed about it and felt he would do more good serving in the military and is currently at training.


That took courage and a whole lot of love and support from his mom and dad; I know it must have hurt his very active LDS family, but I am so DAMN proud of him, and I know they are too. That is the point of life, though? We all must find our path to become the best version of ourselves. "Man, he is wise beyond his years." Bravo, BRO & SIS!!


Back to the "Porn Shoulders." I remember putting on my tasteful, flowered shoulderless, button-up shirts, and I felt naked. I also had a jean miniskirt on, but it wasn't that high. The exercise shorts I wore as an active LDS member were shorter.

I love that shirt, though, and I had worn it at home before, but in front of family, in public, it was a whole new ballgame. The worry of what they would think of me, feel about me, or how they would judge me, really weighed inside my heart and mind. BUT

Nobody really cared. I did get a few raised eyebrows, but I looked hot, so it's all good.

Trying Wine for the first time

"YUCK! If I wanted to suck on wet cotton balls soaked in rubbing alcohol, I can do that at home--for a lot cheaper! How much did that cost?"

Trying my first Cocktail

"Whoa! Daaaang! That was good."

My husband's eyes widened."You drank the whole thing?"

"It's just juice. I think they forgot the alcohol. I don't even feel any-whoa! Why does every--whoa!" The room tilted and moved in slow motion. "When did we board a boat?"

"When you filled your empty stomach with booze."

"What's that got to do with anything? And who made you an expert? You've been drinking almost as long as I have, like two minutes." I licked my lips and blinked repeatedly.

He shoved some chips and salsa toward me, "Eat these."

As the waitress returned, she laughed at my empty glass. "I'd ask ya if you liked it, but--"

"Can I have another?" I grinned like a kid in a candy shop.

She shook her head. "Sure, but drink some water too. Are you ready to order?"

It didn't take more than a minute for her to return with Hawaii in a glass. I chased the straw around the rim of the glass with my tongue for a good minute, but I won. I rangled that tube into my mouth and tasted more of that sweet nectar of the gods.

~Looking back, I don't know why I didn't think to guide it to my mouth with my fingers, but hindsight is 20/20~

After a sip or two, I took a hiatus with Hawaii to ponder. "Why does wine taste so bad, and how can we hold so much worthiness around a glass of liquid? Look, kids." I turned to my teenagers gathered around the table, who by the way were laughing at my sloshy movements. I sipped the water and grinned. "Now, I'm a good person." Then I sipped the cocktail. "Now I'm a sinner."

My eleven-year-old turned to my husband, who annoyingly holds his liquor much better than I do. "Is Mom drunk?"

"Noooooo." I stretched my word out a little too long to be believable.

My husband shook his head, and muttered, "Oh, brother." And that was that.

Trying Wine a year later; the first time with guidance from friends.

(Or should I say, trying Moscato, specifically, anything Stella Rosa for the first time?)

"Ohhhhhhh! Joy just filled my mouth." It was seriously like one of Audrey Hepburn's musical moments starring me and that slender, tippy glass tinted a beautiful pastel peach. I do believe we are meant to be together, I thought. I turned to my friend wide-eyed with an ear-to-ear grin. "You know what? I know why the Greek Gods drink wine now."

Trying Alcohol in General

Another friend shared:

The first time I bought alcohol, I went to the gas station at midnight after a test--she went back to school at second 20 something ; )--and bought some seltzer’s. Drank one or two and hid them in the garage. My kids didn’t know we were done yet. I had mixed feelings of guilt and worry. I got over it after we talked to the kids and told them everything.

All in all, it's been an interesting experience! I would love to hear about your firsts. PM me, and we can do another post.

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